Joke of the day

Skroppie · Post by **Skroppie** » Wed Oct 29, 2014 11:40 am

Die Pastoor druk Meraai 3 keer onder die water en na die 3de keer sê die Pastoor:
"Jy's nou gedoop en van vandag af is jy 'n nuwe skepsel.. die ou ene is weg."
"Geen alkohol meer oor jou lippe nie! So van vandag af is jy Maria!!"

Later toe Meraai (nou Maria) by die huis kom, is sy reguit yskas toe.
Sy haal 'n bottel yskoue wyn uit. Sy tap die wasbak vol water en druk
die bottel 3 x onder die water en sê;

"Djy is nou Oros!"

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Oct 29, 2014 8:18 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Wed Oct 29, 2014 8:53 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Oct 29, 2014 9:22 pm

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Harry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:
Bloody auto spell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . . .

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Thu Oct 30, 2014 7:32 am

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Thu Oct 30, 2014 9:46 am

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Obelix and Dogmatix · Thu Oct 30, 2014 10:06 am

Hoppy uyou beat me to the punch on this one

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Oct 30, 2014 10:33 am

Life stages summarized in 4 bottles ....

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Oct 30, 2014 10:35 am

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Oct 30, 2014 12:44 pm

Die deng !!!

Om hom nat te kry moet jy hom lek ...
Om hom in te kry moet jy hom styf kry ...
Om hom styf te kry moet jy hom suig ...
Aai maar dis 'n storie om gare in 'n naald te kry !!!

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Oct 30, 2014 12:53 pm

Possible new year resolution for upcoming 2015 ...........

DRINK TRIPPLE, SEE DOUBLE, ACT SINGLE!!!

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Thu Oct 30, 2014 8:25 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Oct 31, 2014 5:58 am

Clever!

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Oct 31, 2014 9:10 am

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great..............some arsehole's got my pen!'

Toppie4x4 · Post by **Toppie4x4** » Fri Oct 31, 2014 10:23 am

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Fri Oct 31, 2014 6:30 pm

mooi.jpg: (64.72 KiB) Downloaded 414 times

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Fri Oct 31, 2014 10:31 pm

Awesome

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Sat Nov 01, 2014 9:30 am

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat Nov 01, 2014 4:25 pm

phpBB [video]

View Original

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat Nov 01, 2014 10:32 pm

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . .. . . . Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke . .. .Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup .. . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive ..

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old lady sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . ...

"If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Sun Nov 02, 2014 11:00 am

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Sun Nov 02, 2014 8:51 pm

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Mon Nov 03, 2014 8:48 am

beste haloween outfit

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4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Mon Nov 03, 2014 10:33 am

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.

A tipsy-looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old man said simply.

'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to have a warming drink in the pub.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Nov 03, 2014 3:33 pm

Love it!

An ode to the Hilux.

Listen to the birds as they become still,
Feel the warmth of a winter's chill.
As absent of sense as this is to you,
The same lack of sense also holds true,
When in vain one tries to compare
The awesome Hilux with anything else out there.

Author known.

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Mon Nov 03, 2014 5:55 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Mon Nov 03, 2014 7:44 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Nov 03, 2014 8:19 pm

A Delicate Corporate Matter

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were
called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior
member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the
chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.
He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely
in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked,

“Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”

“Oh, no sir, positively not!” Bob replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then you fire her !!!”

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Mon Nov 03, 2014 8:32 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Mon Nov 03, 2014 9:31 pm

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Tue Nov 04, 2014 10:59 am

Instructions simplified for our new SANDF members

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Obelix and Dogmatix · Tue Nov 04, 2014 12:04 pm

absolutely brilliant

Post by **Bugzy** » Tue Nov 04, 2014 12:48 pm

Sal hulle dit verstaan??

GI Jane · Post by **GI Jane** » Tue Nov 04, 2014 1:02 pm

Looks like someone decided I was a boy...

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Tue Nov 04, 2014 1:12 pm

Hoppy wrote:Instructions simplified for our new SANDF members

Pew.jpg

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Nov 04, 2014 1:56 pm

GI Jane wrote: Looks like someone decided I was a boy...

(Tom-boy!

)

Phyxt!

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Tue Nov 04, 2014 7:13 pm

scott west · Post by **scott west** » Wed Nov 05, 2014 2:49 pm

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut,
but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Wed Nov 05, 2014 3:49 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Nov 05, 2014 7:54 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Nov 05, 2014 8:05 pm

Sies man!

Oupa Stig · Post by **Oupa Stig** » Wed Nov 05, 2014 8:22 pm

Scott West, mr Z, that is probably one of the snappiest punchlines I ever heard.
Told it to the wife. And watched her face as the puncline sunk in. So many expressions chasing over her face...

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Thu Nov 06, 2014 7:17 am

A letter from a Zimbabwean resident about coming to terms with Africa.

Yesterday l had only US$20 in my pocket. But after some careful consideration, I decided to dress for Meikles Hotel. I sat myself down at a beautifully laid table in La Fontanne Restaurant and ordered the 7-course dinner, starting with an exquisite bottle of Moet et Chandon French Champagne 1985.

The fillet mignons were simply delightful when accompanied by a 1975 South African Shiraz! Anyway, at the end of the evening when my bill came, I casually informed my waiter that not only could I not afford the $465.00, but that I actually had no money what-so-ever.

To cut a long story short, the hotel manager was called and they handed me over to ZRP Central Branch.

On my way to the Police station, l handed the constable $10 (who was genuinely impressed) and I was set free.

In Zimbabwe, we call this Prudent Fiscal Management.

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Thu Nov 06, 2014 9:07 am

Post by **Haboob** » Thu Nov 06, 2014 2:46 pm

Very Clever, Typical Africa...

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Thu Nov 06, 2014 9:18 pm

Skroppie · Post by **Skroppie** » Fri Nov 07, 2014 9:02 am

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Fri Nov 07, 2014 9:34 am

OUCH!!!!!!

Masekind · Post by **Masekind** » Fri Nov 07, 2014 10:22 am

Huiswerk op datum kry

Obelix and Dogmatix · Fri Nov 07, 2014 10:24 am

Just for Thunder02

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Fri Nov 07, 2014 11:42 am

Obelix and Dogmatix wrote:

Just for Thunder02

I've always wondered what I've being doing wrong............

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Fri Nov 07, 2014 3:06 pm

At least they have the latest version of the Royal Enfield there

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Fri Nov 07, 2014 3:07 pm

4x4BEES wrote:At least they have the latest version of the Royal Enfield there

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Fri Nov 07, 2014 4:23 pm

Niel I promise the previous joke was the last Brakpan joke!!!.

NOT

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Nov 07, 2014 6:30 pm

When you have an "I Hate My JOB/LIFE DAY"
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson ...
Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is this statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Fri Nov 07, 2014 8:39 pm

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Nov 07, 2014 8:51 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Fri Nov 07, 2014 9:13 pm

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Sat Nov 08, 2014 11:18 am

'n Predikant kollekteer vir die sending.
Hy klop by 'n boer aan, maar die boer sê: "Dominee, ek gee vir die weduwees en die wese, vir die diens van Barmhartigheid, vir die boufonds en nog klomp ander goed, maar ek gee nie vir die sending nie."
"Hoe dan so, broer," vra die dominee.
"Dominee, ek gee nie vir mense wat skole afbrand, winkels plunder en onskuldige mense doodmaak nie. Jammer."
Onverrigtersake is die predikant toe daar weg.
'n Paar dae later skakel die boer hom.
"Dominee, ek het weer oor die saak gedink, ek bedoel nou oor die kollekte vir die sending en het besluit om tog maar 'n bydrae te maak."
"Baie dankie, broer."
"Ja dominee, ek het besluit om een os en vier skape te gee."
"Wat 'n pragtige gebaar van welwillendheid broer", sê die predikant dankbaar, "Wanneer kan ons dit kom haal?"
"Hulle het dit laasnag al kom haal, dominee", sê die boer, "Dominee moet dit net deur die boeke sit".

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Sat Nov 08, 2014 11:42 am