Joke of the day

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Tue Sep 30, 2014 9:42 pm

Guess I'll just shut up then.

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Wed Oct 01, 2014 4:13 pm

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick Catholic Church..

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Wed Oct 01, 2014 6:33 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Oct 01, 2014 7:58 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Oct 01, 2014 10:16 pm

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4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Fri Oct 03, 2014 8:32 am

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided
to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,
asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass
and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it,
and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:45 pm

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Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:52 pm

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Oct 03, 2014 6:58 pm

I made my girlfriend's dreams come true and married her in a castle.
You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face................... I think it's because we were bouncing around too much!

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Fri Oct 03, 2014 7:18 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Oct 03, 2014 7:38 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Sat Oct 04, 2014 4:30 pm

Skroppie · Post by **Skroppie** » Mon Oct 06, 2014 8:37 am

Jan en Koos gaan albei dood en hulle twee kom in die hemel aan. Die Wag by die hek se vir hulle:

"Julle gaan elkeen 'n voertuig kry om mee rond te ry hier in die hemel, gegrond op hoe getrou julle aan julle vrouens was.

Jan het nooit sy vrou verneuk in 25 jaar nie en hy kry 'n Rolls Royce.

Koos het drie keer sy vrou verneuk en kry 'n 3de-handse Tata sonder aircon en power steering.

'n Week later ry Koos na Jan toe en kry hom in trane!

Koos vra verbaas,"Nou hoekom huil jy, jy ry dan met 'n Rolls!"

"Ja" se Jan."Maar gister toe ek hier met die pad afry, toe sien ek my vrou verbykom op 'n skateboard!!"

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Oct 06, 2014 9:57 am

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Frederick · Post by **Frederick** » Mon Oct 06, 2014 10:03 am

PUIK!!!!

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Mon Oct 06, 2014 11:57 am

:razz:

Skroppie · Post by **Skroppie** » Mon Oct 06, 2014 3:22 pm

Japanese Doctor!

Dr. Yu Tok *a*

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Mon Oct 06, 2014 6:12 pm

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Mon Oct 06, 2014 9:23 pm

Post by **CasKru** » Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:09 am

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Oct 07, 2014 8:58 am

Shame!

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Tue Oct 07, 2014 9:26 am

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Oct 07, 2014 2:30 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Tue Oct 07, 2014 8:34 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Oct 08, 2014 12:36 am

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show-
Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHJIT" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited to entertain again!

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Oct 08, 2014 7:59 pm

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Thu Oct 09, 2014 9:55 am

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Bosfebok · Post by **Bosfebok** » Thu Oct 09, 2014 1:54 pm

Afrikaans is darem 'n wonderlike taal.... Daai in Engels klink mos nou glad nie snaaks nie...

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Oct 10, 2014 9:21 am

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

"DON'T SELL THAT COW."

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Fri Oct 10, 2014 12:00 pm

Die een was al op, maar hier's hy weer;

Jonas: Oubaas ekke wil vat die vrou by daai stroois.
Darrie ene met die groot vet sterre.
Oubaas: Wil jy trou met die vrou Jonas?
Jonas: Ja Oubaas, mette die tjint en als.
Oubaas: Het jy haar lief Jonas?
Jonas: Oubaas vra nog. Ekke soek hom sterk. Ekke wil hom lief.
Oubaas: As mens wil trou moet mens iets weet van die Bybel. Ken jy jou
Bybel Jonas?
Jonas: Auk Oubaas, ekke ken hom soos die bennekant van my se hand.
Oubaas: Nou vertel bietjie dat ek kan hoor.
Jonas:
Eendag daar was twee mense, Adam en Eve. Hulle bly by die tyn. Nou hulle
mag eet van al die perretjies maar van die jam se perretjies hulle mag nie
eet nie. Toe die boomslang hy sê vir Eve: Auk, wat se nonsens wat jy praat,
die jam perretjies is nou mooi gar en soet en too much lekker". Nou hulle
gasteel die jam perretjies.
Auk, nou Adam hy sien sy broek hys weg en die nooi se rok ok, hy’s weg.
Shame, die nooi kry so skaam, hy kryp sommer weg en Adam hy gou-gou maak
die klere van troksvy se blaar marr nou hulle moet yt by die Radys se
akker. Twee groot Ingilsman staan by die hek met skerp asgaai.
Nou hulle sweet baie sos hulle loop en Eve sy loer so by die skouer oor,
net so bietjies. Sy word sommer sout en die beeste het hom kant en klaar
opgevreet die volgende dag al. Nou Adam, die arme baas, hy het ok nie nou
vrou nie. Hy loop nog so toe vra die tsotsies: Ja, wat het jy gemaak? Hulle
slat hom met die knopkierie en gooi hom met die kleppe.
Galokkag daar kom parmantig Sameritaan hy gery met sy doinkie. Soos hy gaan
onder die doringbos, sy kroesies hak by die dorings en hy gehang daar 40
days en 40 nights tot Delilah, nooi van die Terpentyne, hy sny sy kroesies
af en hy val by die leeukuil in. Maar die leeus vreet hom nie eers nie want
hy stenk too much.
Nou hy gebly daar to Ruben wil hom verkoop aan die parrasiete, maar
galokkag hy hardlop weg dat hy so klein word tot hy kom by die groot water.
Sommer so vennig hy plik die knopkierie eit sy kombers en hy slaat en hy
slaat die water tot hy maak oop. En wat hy gesien? Big national road van
skoon teer en white stripes en yellow stripes de lot!
Nou hy loep by die national road met sy strykwas-os en perre tot hy kom
halfpad. Sjoeps, die water net gemak soos twaksak. Dit lyk of dit het
gereent 40 days en 40 nights. Gelukkig, hy die groot snoekves hy slek hom
in. Nou hy gebly binnekant die ves se pens. Oubaas, eke ek lieg nie vor jou
nie, 40 days en 40 nights. Mar omdat hy stenk al weer too much, die ves hy
kan nie toehou sy neus by die water nie, hy gaspoeg hom uit by die land van
siermelk en putupap, twalf mainkies vol.
Oubaas sien, ekke ken hom die Bybel.

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Oct 10, 2014 8:18 pm

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Sun Oct 12, 2014 9:40 pm

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Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Mon Oct 13, 2014 4:48 pm

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Mon Oct 13, 2014 8:36 pm

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Tue Oct 14, 2014 10:41 am

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Oct 14, 2014 2:04 pm

Hehehe!

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Tue Oct 14, 2014 2:27 pm

Ek het 'n paar goeies gemis.

Julle moet so aanhou asb.

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Tue Oct 14, 2014 4:59 pm

Hoppy wrote:
Brakpan.jpg

well the most fun is on the back seat ... so why keep the front ....

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Tue Oct 14, 2014 8:06 pm

Bosfebok · Post by **Bosfebok** » Wed Oct 15, 2014 6:39 am

Give that dog a Bells!!

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Bosfebok · Post by **Bosfebok** » Wed Oct 15, 2014 7:54 am

Lekke innie Kaap ne!

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Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Wed Oct 15, 2014 8:43 am

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Obelix and Dogmatix · Wed Oct 15, 2014 11:26 am

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Wed Oct 15, 2014 7:21 pm

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Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Wed Oct 15, 2014 7:55 pm

Brakpan troukoek

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Oct 15, 2014 8:13 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Wed Oct 15, 2014 8:16 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Oct 16, 2014 8:51 am

A group of guys, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, and bodies.

Ten years later, at age 50, the
friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally
it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the food and service was good and the wine selection was
excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the
friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View
Restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the
restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the
friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
agreed that they w ould meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the
restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

Ten years later, at age 80, the
friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they
had never been there before and heard it was quite good. ..!!!

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Thu Oct 16, 2014 9:19 am

Skroppie · Post by **Skroppie** » Thu Oct 16, 2014 11:47 am

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees"...
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard,and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no".
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually works!!!!"

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Thu Oct 16, 2014 1:44 pm

Die een kanibaal se vir die ander; "Ek like nie my skoonma nie"
Hy antwoord; "Dis Ok, eet maar net jou chips"

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Thu Oct 16, 2014 4:22 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Thu Oct 16, 2014 8:37 pm

Post by **Pumba** » Thu Oct 16, 2014 10:39 pm

Lets Play · Post by **Lets Play** » Fri Oct 17, 2014 7:08 am

And the Cannibal's phone number is................

10810

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Oct 17, 2014 8:46 am

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes or no.'

-------------------------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Oct 17, 2014 8:51 am

RESEP OM VLOOIE OP DIERE TE BEKAMP:

Meng kwart koppie skoon brandwyn met halwe koppie fyn sand, totdat dit
'n tipe van "pasta" vorm.
Smeer dit in - oor die dier se lyf asook tussen die hare.

Die vlooie sal so gesuip geraak dat hulle mekaar met die klippe
doodgooi!!!!!!!!!

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Fri Oct 17, 2014 8:53 am

Bosfebok · Post by **Bosfebok** » Fri Oct 17, 2014 9:02 am

Bushwacker wrote:Brakpan troukoek

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Oct 17, 2014 9:14 am

The question is:
What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote….
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus…. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.