Joke of the day

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Fri Aug 22, 2014 2:16 pm

Never Argue with a Woman
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out herself.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read a book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish & Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that quite obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I am reading!'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up a ticket.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Aug 22, 2014 2:41 pm

cyborg · Post by **cyborg** » Fri Aug 22, 2014 9:26 pm

Good one. . . seems familiar

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:38 pm

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Post by **Mud Dog** » Sun Aug 24, 2014 9:51 pm

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, Flock of chickens, School of fish a Gaggle of geese, and a Pride of lions.

However, less widely known is:
A Murder of crows
An Exaltation of doves
And, presumably because they look so wise: A Congress of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates...

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not … A Parliament

YEP....A PARLIAMENT OF BABOONS!

Pretty much explains everything doesn't it?

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Mon Aug 25, 2014 1:01 pm

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to build up a stock of his blood type for transfusion. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood and it couldn't be found locally, the call went out globally.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW 5 series, a diamond encrusted Rolex and £50000.

A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me fabulous gifts and loads of money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

KOBUSL · Post by **KOBUSL** » Mon Aug 25, 2014 1:36 pm

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Post by **pietpetoors** » Mon Aug 25, 2014 7:01 pm

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grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Mon Aug 25, 2014 7:47 pm

pietpetoors wrote:
bike-cost.jpg

O yes!!! A proper fear... I worry the same for all the add ons to the bakkie and camp stuff...

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Mon Aug 25, 2014 9:15 pm

Post by **Family_Dog** » Mon Aug 25, 2014 9:30 pm

^^ Excellent!!

-F_D

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Aug 25, 2014 10:27 pm

A drunk man sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick. He smelled awful, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living - being with cheap, wicked women - too much alcohol - contempt for your fellow man - sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Aug 25, 2014 10:57 pm

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Tue Aug 26, 2014 3:39 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Aug 26, 2014 11:18 pm

Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search.

I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the car park.

My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion!

Her theory was right. The car park was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call her "My Love" in times like these.

"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence.

I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard her voice.

She barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your bloody car."

This is what they call, "The Golden Years!" ?????

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Aug 27, 2014 12:02 am

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife........

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't
know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell Susie, my wife, that the word is sternum."

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Wed Aug 27, 2014 8:23 am

At the crowded Sandton bus stop a beautiful young blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, Hennie, a fris boerseun from Kakamas, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

Hennie smiled and in his best English answered her : 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree wiff you, but after you unzipped my fly free times, I kinda figured we are friends....

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Wed Aug 27, 2014 4:34 pm

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Wed Aug 27, 2014 4:54 pm

nou praat jy!!!

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Aug 27, 2014 5:30 pm

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Thu Aug 28, 2014 8:22 pm

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Thu Aug 28, 2014 8:37 pm

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Fri Aug 29, 2014 5:58 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Aug 29, 2014 7:56 pm

Oosie101 · Post by **Oosie101** » Sat Aug 30, 2014 6:21 am

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Post by **CasKru** » Mon Sep 01, 2014 8:51 am

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Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Mon Sep 01, 2014 9:58 am

Oosie101 wrote:

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

can not see picture

but on this reply i can see it!! wonderful technology

KOBUSL · Post by **KOBUSL** » Mon Sep 01, 2014 10:17 am

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Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Mon Sep 01, 2014 3:45 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Sep 02, 2014 4:24 pm

Hehe .... I'm sure it has actually happened!

Wouldn't be surprised if this were also true ....

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Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Tue Sep 02, 2014 5:19 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Tue Sep 02, 2014 9:03 pm

Post by **CasKru** » Wed Sep 03, 2014 6:30 am

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Wed Sep 03, 2014 5:02 pm

LOVE STORY FOR GOLFERS

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

"Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, " I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.

You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Beth asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?

Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," says Chuck.

"And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that.

Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said.

"So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Wed Sep 03, 2014 5:07 pm

Crows

Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car or motorcycle.

Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry."

Absolutely amazing! Makes you wonder why you gave me your email address, doesn't it...??

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Wed Sep 03, 2014 6:28 pm

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Wed Sep 03, 2014 6:42 pm

can we please keep the jokes coming so that we may get rid of the woodworker on the top of this page!!!

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Sep 03, 2014 7:19 pm

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Wed Sep 03, 2014 7:36 pm

Page 85 here we come!

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Wed Sep 03, 2014 8:34 pm

Dankie Greg

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Sep 03, 2014 8:55 pm

Hey! Why don't you like my woodworker friend!? He is an outstanding inspiration for so many dumb-ass jokes he even tops JZ!

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 4:20 pm

Mud Dog

Nothing to do about his politics, I just don't like his face!!!NOT

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 4:23 pm

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 5:39 pm

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 5:59 pm

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 6:01 pm

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 6:03 pm

Page 85...............are we there yet?

Post by **george** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 6:24 pm

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4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 6:37 pm

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 8:11 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 8:27 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Sep 04, 2014 10:45 pm

I'm looking for another woodworker pic with an even more floppy, swollen bottom lip to post at the top of page 85!

Skroppie · Post by **Skroppie** » Fri Sep 05, 2014 9:46 am

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Skroppie · Post by **Skroppie** » Fri Sep 05, 2014 9:48 am

My dog's secret...

My dog sleeps 20 hrs a day. He gets food daily, He eats whenever he wants.
His meals are at no cost to him.

He goes for check up once a year. He lives in a nice neighbourhood, His house is larger than he needs, and does no upkeep.

Does no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He lives like a King. At no expense whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head...

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I think my dog is an ANC member.

Post by **CasKru** » Fri Sep 05, 2014 9:52 am

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Sep 05, 2014 11:37 am

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Sep 05, 2014 8:45 pm

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Fri Sep 05, 2014 9:11 pm

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Sat Sep 06, 2014 9:44 am

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