Joke of the day

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Jul 24, 2014 2:08 pm

On his deathbed.....

Doug Smith is on his deathbed, and knows the end is near. His nurse, his
wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
Thames."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she
says , "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard working man
to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ..................

"The arsehole delivers newspapers!"

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Thu Jul 24, 2014 3:03 pm

Obelix and Dogmatix · Post by **Obelix and Dogmatix** » Thu Jul 24, 2014 3:03 pm

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Thu Jul 24, 2014 3:10 pm

Obelix and Dogmatix wrote:

Final mountain stage today.

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Jul 24, 2014 6:34 pm

: Brandy.jpg (46.82 KiB) Viewed 9031 times

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Thu Jul 24, 2014 8:39 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Jul 24, 2014 8:47 pm

A testimony to true friendship is...
What a man will do for a friend :

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

Mossienel · Post by **Mossienel** » Thu Jul 24, 2014 9:27 pm

LMAO!!![THUMBS UP SIGN][THUMBS UP SIGN][THUMBS UP SIGN]

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4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Thu Jul 24, 2014 10:06 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Thu Jul 24, 2014 10:29 pm

: shitrus.jpg (26.63 KiB) Viewed 9006 times

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 9:46 am

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy;

He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and
said with a laugh:

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice:

"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to make people pay
for their stupidity."

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 9:49 am

I was confused when I heard the word ‘Service’ used with these agencies:

South African Revenue 'Service'

South African Police 'Service'

South African Postal 'Service'

South African Prison 'Service'

South African National Road Agency Limited (e-Toll) 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

Provincial, Municipal, City & Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.

Post by **Bugzy** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 10:17 am

Bushwacker wrote:I was confused when I heard the word ‘Service’ used with these agencies:

South African Revenue 'Service'

South African Police 'Service'

South African Postal 'Service'

South African Prison 'Service'

South African National Road Agency Limited (e-Toll) 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

Provincial, Municipal, City & Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.

Piet THAT ain't no shit

Obelix and Dogmatix · Fri Jul 25, 2014 10:20 am

Bugzy wrote:
Bushwacker wrote:I was confused when I heard the word ‘Service’ used with these agencies:

South African Revenue 'Service'

South African Police 'Service'

South African Postal 'Service'

South African Prison 'Service'

South African National Road Agency Limited (e-Toll) 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

Provincial, Municipal, City & Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.

Piet THAT ain't no s**t

Bugzy you doing it wrong!!

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 10:27 am

Does this count when the stealers "service a vehicle as well?

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 10:36 am

Now it all make more sense!!!

Post by **CasKru** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 10:42 am

Piet... thank you for that service you rendered us

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 6:10 pm

4x4BEES wrote:

Does this count when the stealers "service a vehicle as well?

NOW I understand the "service Excellence" awards at my local dealership's workshop ...

Post by **pietpetoors** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 6:19 pm

Gives a new meaning to "Service with a smile"

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Jul 25, 2014 7:12 pm

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Sat Jul 26, 2014 10:45 am

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And yet we keep on doing it...

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Sat Jul 26, 2014 10:48 am

Post by **Mud Dog** » Sat Jul 26, 2014 1:10 pm

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Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Sat Jul 26, 2014 6:42 pm

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Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Sun Jul 27, 2014 8:27 pm

: Evolution.jpg (20.37 KiB) Viewed 8924 times

Lets Play · Post by **Lets Play** » Mon Jul 28, 2014 6:45 am

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Mon Jul 28, 2014 8:02 am

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Jul 28, 2014 8:36 am

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for just a rib?"

Of course the rest is history!

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Mon Jul 28, 2014 5:21 pm

Mossienel · Post by **Mossienel** » Mon Jul 28, 2014 7:16 pm

A picture speaks a thousand words.

: ImageUploadedByTapatalk1406567729.396687.jpg (70.85 KiB) Viewed 8843 times

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:47 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:49 pm

Post by **CasKru** » Tue Jul 29, 2014 6:00 am

Proof that the police have to many hang-ups...

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Jul 29, 2014 8:04 am

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4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Tue Jul 29, 2014 8:08 am

Mossienel wrote:A picture speaks a thousand words.

ImageUploadedByTapatalk1406567729.396687.jpg

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Masekind · Post by **Masekind** » Tue Jul 29, 2014 8:15 am

sal net so mooi in afrikaans wees

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Tue Jul 29, 2014 8:16 am

Froll wrote:????

Ek sien my geleerde koelegas was weer besig om die "advanced driving" ding weer te ver te vat

KOBUSL · Post by **KOBUSL** » Wed Jul 30, 2014 1:38 pm

JOINTS2.jpg: (32.58 KiB) Downloaded 320 times

Ou vale1 · Post by **Ou vale1** » Wed Jul 30, 2014 3:55 pm

Sipho's sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies" Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no! Not Sipho; He's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor "Well what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks." Wow that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like that name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, " What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies. "Denephew."

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Wed Jul 30, 2014 5:11 pm

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Jul 30, 2014 8:52 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Jul 30, 2014 10:52 pm

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet ...... Ate the cookies ........ Drank the milk ..... Shjat on the paper....... Serviced the other three cats........ Claimed he injured his back while doing so ...... Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions....... Put in for Workers Compensation.................. and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............ AND THAT IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Thu Jul 31, 2014 4:49 pm

Some seriously good advice and information below…especially for men!

Sound Advice on Relationships...

• "If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel..."
• Listening to wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. You don’t understand it, but you still accept it.
• Chess is the only game in the world which reflects the status of the husband; the poor king can take only one step at a time, while the mighty queen can do whatever she likes.
• Most women request the same husband in the next life - how can you let such good training go to waste?
• All men are brave. Horror movies don't scare them, but 5 missed calls from the wife? Now that is seriously scary.
• What is “checkmate”? You tell your wife “I saw a lady who looked exactly like you" and she asks: "Was she gorgeous?" You can’t say 'No' and you can’t say 'Yes' – now THAT is checkmate.
• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.
• There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Thu Jul 31, 2014 8:58 pm

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Fri Aug 01, 2014 6:50 am

Something lost in translation...

Post by **Baasvark** » Fri Aug 01, 2014 7:17 am

D:D
Thank goodness I don't need that anymore!

Post by **Mud Dog** » Fri Aug 01, 2014 9:17 am

Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.

Billy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy, you're only 12. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, "In Lucy's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Lucy."

Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Lucy gets five pounds a week and I get 8 pounds' that's about 52 pounds a month so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Billy has put so much thought into this.

"Well Billy, It seems like you have everything worked out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sjit is adorable.

Post by **Baasvark** » Fri Aug 01, 2014 10:26 am

Neither would I!

SwannieC · Post by **SwannieC** » Fri Aug 01, 2014 11:47 am

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Fri Aug 01, 2014 11:57 am

Some guys never learn..

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Fri Aug 01, 2014 3:13 pm

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Borntofish · Post by **Borntofish** » Fri Aug 01, 2014 3:39 pm

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Fri Aug 01, 2014 4:48 pm

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Fri Aug 01, 2014 8:16 pm

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Fri Aug 01, 2014 8:36 pm

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4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Fri Aug 01, 2014 9:23 pm

Bushwacker · Post by **Bushwacker** » Sat Aug 02, 2014 9:48 am

DIE BLINDE SAMBOK

Ons Afrikaners het n oulike manier om n ding te beskryf. Die term Blinde Sambok verwys na n situasie waartydens jy n strik vir iemand stel, en dan self daarin val..Dit is egter geensins oulik as jy self daardeur gaan nie.

In die vroe negentigs het ek n werker gehad met die naam James.

Hy het die besonderse vermoe gehad om my daagliks teen die mure uit te dryf. Hy sou die Dalai Lama en Ghandi in psigopate kon verander binne twee minute.

Sy ergste wandaad was egter om drank te steel, nie enige drank nie, maar my Red Heart.

Nou vir die van julle wat my ken, sal weet dat ek redelik emosioneel kan raak oor Red Heart. Dit is die edelste vog wat nog uitgevinne is. Ek sal die persoon wat dit uitgevind het prys tot drie dae na sy dood.

Ek weet nie hoe James dit reggekry het nie, maar my Red Heart het verdwyn, en elke keer wat dit gebeur het, was die Donner gesuip. Oom Jan Diamantjies was n goeie vriend. Terloops, sy naam verwys nie na sy sukses as Diamantsmokkelaar nie, maar aan sy gewoonte om die Elfde Gebod gereeld te verontagsaam. Die Elfde Gebod, vir die van julle wat nie weet nie,lui, "jy sal nie gevang word nie." Hy, en die manne van die SAP se Goud en Diamanttak, was al amper op eerstenaam terme, en meer vriende as opponente.

Oom Jannie het, in sy wysgeid, besef dat, indien die drankstelery nie gaan eindig nie, ek in die tronk gaan beland weens die moord op James, wat al in n gevorderde stadium van beplanning was.

Hy het op n Maandagoggend by my aangekom met n klein Bruin botteltjie, waarop die naam, Croton Oil geskrywe was. Hy het my in kennis gestel dat die inhoud van die bottel daadwerklik sou bydrae tot James se absolute rehabilitasie. Twee of drie druppels in n halwe bottel Red Heart sou James genees van sy gewoonte om drank te steel, so veel so, dat indien hy die gevolge van die Croton Oil sou oorleef, hy moontlik homself sou kon bekere.

Croton Oil, het oom Jannie aan my verduidelik, was n vreesaanjaende purgasiemiddel, sou jy dit inkry, gaan jou maag verskriklik aan werk en jy gooi blykbaar vreeslik op.

Ek het toe maar besluit om n halwe bottel Red Heart op te offer om n einde te maak aan die gestelery. Ek het nie twee of drie druppels, soos oom Jannie aan my gese het, in die bottel ingegooi nie, maar twee of drie teelepels van die Bruin vloeistof. Ek het die bottel onder gemerk deur n wit kruis met Tippex op te sit.

Soos verwag,het die drank weer verdwyn, van die halwe bottel het net n kwart oorgebly. James het terselftertyd ook verdwyn. Hy was vir n week lank in die Hospitaal. Toe hy terugkom, was hy n goeie tien Kilogram ligter en het hy my drank ten alle kostes vermy.

Tyd het verbygegaan en geen, maar geen van my drank het weer verdwyn nie.

Ek, oom Jannie, Dirk en n jongeling het een Saterdag gaan eende jag. Dit was in Juniemaand. Nou, vir die van julle wat Standerton se klimaat ken, sal saamstem dat daar in die Winter net n sifdraad tussen die plek en die Suidpool is. Dit was moer koud.

Ons het, met ons terugkeer, in die Lapa gaan sit om n reuse vuur, net om weer gevoel terug te kry. Die jongeling is aangestel as Kroegman vir die aand se verrigtinge. Weens die koue en ontbering, moes ons n redelike hoeveelheid Rum verorber om weer lewe te kry. Die eerste bottel het nie lank gehou nie en die kuier het al te gesellig begin verloop. Die kroegman het hom ook uitermatig goed van sy taak gekwyt.

Na nog n rondte deur die jongeling aan ons gelewer is, het oom Jannie, na n paar slukke, n snaakse uitdrukking op sy gesig gekry. Ek het ook die gevoel gekry dat die Rum effe anders smaak maar het maar aanhou drink.

Oom Jannie het ongemaklik op sy stoel begin rondskuif en effens bleek om die kiewe begin raak. Hy het skielik doodstil geraak, toe opgespring en met n moerse spoed koers gekies Populierbos se kant toe. Ek en Dirk het nog niks makeer nie. Oom Jannie het na n ruk teruggekeer en my gevra wat ek met die bottel Rum, wat ek vir James gedokter het, gedoen het. Ek het vir hom gese dat daar nie veel oor was nie en dat die bottel gemerk was. Oom Jannie het gese dat ek en hy weet dat die bottel gemerk was, maar dat hy twyfel of die jong stront wat kroegman is, dit ook geweet het.

Ons het die jongeling vinnig nadergeroep en gevra dat hy die bottel waaruit die laaste rondte gekom het, moet saambring. Toe ons die bottel omkeer, is ons ergste vrese bewaarheid, n wit kruis was duidelik aan die onderkant sigbaar. Oom Jannie was ewe skielik nie meer effens bleek nie maar doodsbleek. Hy het in n bewerige stem vir my gevra hoeveel Croton Oil ek in die bottel gegooi het. Toe ek hom die antwoord gee, het hy grasgroen begin raak. Die sweet wat op sy voorkop uitgeslaan het, het onbeskaamd gemeng met die trane wat uit sy oë gestroom het. Sy onderlip het onbeheerst begin rondspring. Ek het gereken dat slegs oom Jannie geaffekteer was. Net toe ek gerus begin raak, het dit ewe skielik gevoel asof iemand n slinger by my naeltjie ingedruk het en met rukbewegings begin draai het.

Ek en Dirk het feitlik gelyk by die draadhekkie wat Populierbos toe gelei het, uitgekom; oom Jannie was reg agter ons. Daar het ek gesien dat n man sy broek ,onderbroek, kouse en skoene , terwyl hy voluit hardloop, uittrek. Ek wou Dirk nog komplimenteer oor die besondere prestasie, toe ek besef dat ek besig is om dieselfde te doen. Mens, almal van ons wat in die Weermag was, weet wat gyppoguts was. Wat toe gevolg het, sou die ergste Army gyppoguts na n patetiese, flou grappie laat lyk. Mense, dit was verskriklik, dit was werklik n strontspul van formaat. Ek was eers bang ek gaan vrek en het toe maar gewens dat ek gaan vrek.

Die situasie het toe verander van sleg na verskriklik beroerd. Ons het onbeheerst begin opgooi, nie katte geskiet nie maar hulle gelanseer. Die Amerikaners het n beskrywende term daarvoor, hulle noem dit VIOLENT PROJECTILE VOMITING.

Die jongeling het intussen, heel beangs, ons vrouens gaan roep. Nou, die dames met wie ons op daardie stadium getroud was, se simpatievlak met ons het gewissel tussen min en fkol. Toe hul egter sien hoe gehawend en beroerd ons gelyk het, het hulle dadelik vir Dok Meyer gebel. Hy het, nadat hy gehoor het van die Croton olie, onmiddelik sy kollega op Standerton gekontak en hom gesê hy moet solank by die Hospitaal vir ons wag.

Wat toe gevolg het was werklik vernederend, die vrouens het ons agterop die Blou Hilux gelaai, broekloos en kaalpoot, hulle het darem vir ons elkeen n handdoek gegee om die Kaart en Transport gedeelte toe te hou. Die koue was in elk geval so erg dat jy n vergrootglas nodig sou gehad het om enigeiets van belang te kon sien. Ons is toe afgevoer Hospitaal toe,waar ons die volgende mislike drie dae spandeer het. Met al die drade en drips het ons gelyk soos drie Frankensteins in wording.

Ek het darem die volgende dag my spraak teruggekry en by monde van my vrou n boodskap vir James gestuur. Hy het duidelik die boodskap gekry, toe ek terug op die plaas kom, was hy en sy stroois weg, ek het, gelukkig vir hom, hom nooit weer raakgeloop nie.

Oom Jannie het n paar dae later opgedaag, toe ek hom groet het hy net geknor. Hy het my gevra waar die oorblywende Croton OIL is, dit toe gevat en my duidelik in kennis gestel dat ek te onverantwoordelik is om so iets te besit.

Dirk en oom Jannie het my darem na n ruk vergeef, maar dit was opmerklik dat hulle, as hulle kom kuier, hul eie bottels drank saamgebring het. Hulle het ook, voordat hulle iets geskink het, die bottels omgekeer en duidelik ondersoek vir enige tippex merke.

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Sat Aug 02, 2014 1:47 pm

BWHAhahaha ......

baie goed geskryf ....

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Sat Aug 02, 2014 2:35 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Sat Aug 02, 2014 2:37 pm