Page 58 of 62
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Wed Sep 02, 2015 7:59 pm
by Obelix and Dogmatix
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special!"
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man . He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman ."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his damn widow!!..
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2015 1:20 am
by Mud Dog
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2015 8:11 am
by Obelix and Dogmatix
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2015 8:30 am
by 4x4BEES
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2015 9:13 am
by Mud Dog
No chance Quentin! - Don't judge others by your own standards!
It's crazy, but it seems that I'm busier than I was before retirement!
My e-mail client (Outlook express) 'crashed' a couple of days ago and I was unable to read my mails .... after a lengthy battle in the time available to me, I changed to "Thunderbird", retrieved the 270+ unread mails and was busy going through them all until after 3.00am this morning.
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2015 10:04 am
by Obelix and Dogmatix
Andy,
by other sites I was refering to Facebook and news 24!! what are you reffering to?? and can you send me some links??
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2015 10:25 am
by Mud Dog
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2015 11:51 am
by 4 runner oldie
WELCOME TOO THE NEIGHBOURHOOD .
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2015 2:49 pm
by Haboob
In this neighbourhood they would also steel the four bricks & trolley...
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2015 6:48 pm
by 4x4BEES
Haboob wrote:In this neighbourhood they would also steel the four bricks & trolley...
Not to mention robbing the guy taking the pic
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Fri Sep 04, 2015 8:44 am
by Haboob
You seem to know my neighbourhood well Kevin...
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Fri Sep 04, 2015 8:52 am
by 4x4BEES
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Sun Sep 06, 2015 1:28 pm
by 4x4BEES
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Sun Sep 06, 2015 1:48 pm
by Froll
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Sun Sep 06, 2015 1:54 pm
by 4 runner oldie
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Sun Sep 06, 2015 3:04 pm
by 4x4BEES
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 7:55 pm
by Thunder02
Obelix and Dogmatix wrote:Andy,
by other sites I was refering to Facebook and news 24!! what are you reffering to?? and can you send me some links??
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 7:57 pm
by Thunder02
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 9:16 pm
by 4x4BEES
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 9:19 pm
by Thunder02
Just shows you, only now do I understand all the little drawings
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2015 9:31 am
by CasKru
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2015 2:44 pm
by 4x4BEES
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2015 4:33 pm
by Thunder02
That's one way of sticking her with the bill
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2015 8:30 am
by Mud Dog
Started my day with a laugh ....
View Original
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2015 11:38 am
by 4x4BEES
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 15, 2015 6:29 pm
by Thunder02
- IMG-20150915-WA0003.jpg (29.23 KiB) Viewed 36079 times
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Wed Sep 16, 2015 11:04 am
by Dirka
As many of you might know its Chevrolet’s 100th year anniversary. Here are some billboards they came up with to celebrate.
These are actual billboards in Detroit, Michigan put up by GM.
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Wed Sep 16, 2015 12:08 pm
by 4x4BEES
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Wed Sep 16, 2015 12:41 pm
by Obelix and Dogmatix
Maar al daai karre ko net uit 'n 20-30 jaar periode waar is al die ander jarre?
Stem saam daar is 'n paar gooies
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 17, 2015 2:42 am
by Dirka
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 17, 2015 9:13 am
by Obelix and Dogmatix
OUCH !!!
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 17, 2015 9:49 am
by Haboob
WOW...
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 17, 2015 10:59 am
by 4x4BEES
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 17, 2015 8:28 pm
by Thunder02
Sometimes I wonder
They right, it must be a Sheep thing
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2015 4:10 pm
by Mud Dog
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, it’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Really impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading is groceries and the boy into the car.
She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William. This little bastard's name is Kevin".
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2015 4:28 pm
by Obelix and Dogmatix
Mud Dog wrote:A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, it’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Really impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading is groceries and the boy into the car.
She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William. This little bastard's name is Kevin".
NICE
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Fri Sep 18, 2015 10:35 pm
by 4x4BEES
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Sat Sep 19, 2015 8:11 pm
by CasKru
And the joke of the day is.....
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Sat Sep 19, 2015 8:54 pm
by Huismoeles
Ja nee
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Sat Sep 19, 2015 9:55 pm
by Froll
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Sun Sep 20, 2015 11:20 am
by Jasper 2
Eish...
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2015 8:10 pm
by Fire & Ice
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2015 8:29 pm
by 4x4BEES
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2015 8:46 am
by Thunder02
It was not the Boks Fault
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2015 11:29 am
by Dirka
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2015 9:39 pm
by Froll
Good one.
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 7:53 am
by Mud Dog
I was facing a problem deciding who to support this past week-end... Bafana Bafana or the Bokke??????
So I took out my yellow Bafana Bafana shirt...
Then I took out my green and gold Bokke shirt... I still could not decide!?!?!?!?
Suddenly I had a brainwave...
I cut both shirts in half, length-wise and sewed the two halves together... Brilliant!!!!!
Now I have one shirt to support both... ... and proudly displayed across the front...
- b_okke00111.jpg (16.83 KiB) Viewed 35743 times
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 8:43 pm
by 4x4BEES
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Mon Sep 28, 2015 10:27 pm
by Mud Dog
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2015 7:57 am
by CasKru
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2015 8:11 am
by Mud Dog
Hehe!
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2015 10:23 am
by Thunder02
An Italian Arab
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2015 1:36 pm
by Obelix and Dogmatix
Not sure how much salt needs to be taken with the following, but then again it is totally believable due to it happening in the USA.
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for year -- 2012:
* SEVENTH PLACE *
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son
Start scratching!
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...
Double hand scratching after this one..
* FOURTH PLACE *
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Only two more so ease up on the scratching...
*SECOND PLACE* Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE * This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down------
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2015 5:50 pm
by 4x4BEES
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2015 9:53 pm
by Froll
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2015 10:10 pm
by Mud Dog
Last Tuesday President Zuma got off the helicopter in front of The Union Buildings - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The chief security officer snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Limpopo Razorback Hogs. I got one for our Minister of Education Angie Motshekga, and I got one for our Minister of Police Nathi Mthethwa."
The chief security officer again snapped to attention, saluted and said, "Excellent swop, sir."
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2015 10:28 pm
by 4x4BEES
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 1:38 pm
by Thunder02
Treading on thin ice Andy, but very funny
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2015 2:29 pm
by Mud Dog
Walking down the isle.
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw the missus walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a loving smile and said, "Get that trolley over here, Love. They're doing 3 Crates of beer for the price of 2 !"
Re: Joke of the day
Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2015 12:21 am
by Mud Dog