some funnies

[Lane]

I dialled a number and got the following recording:** **
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
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Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
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A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
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What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
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Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??*
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"*
**************************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
**************************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
**************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
**************************************************
Nominated as the best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied