Joke of the day

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Sun Mar 16, 2014 7:47 pm

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible.

It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Donkey · Post by **Donkey** » Sun Mar 16, 2014 8:49 pm

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Mon Mar 17, 2014 6:12 am

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Mon Mar 17, 2014 7:45 am

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Mon Mar 17, 2014 7:47 am

St. Paddy's day

Skroppie · Post by **Skroppie** » Mon Mar 17, 2014 2:06 pm

ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* His last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* At the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* Liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* Marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* Exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Mon Mar 17, 2014 2:41 pm

Very clever answers those.
He must work for RMB

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Mon Mar 17, 2014 5:37 pm

Who says that there aren't anymore well-mannered men? Only today I saw a man holding an umbrella over his wife's head, while she was changing the tyre!

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Mon Mar 17, 2014 6:30 pm

See, chivalry isn't dead, it's only taking a nap!

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Mon Mar 17, 2014 6:31 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Mon Mar 17, 2014 6:45 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Mon Mar 17, 2014 8:47 pm

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Mon Mar 17, 2014 8:54 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Mon Mar 17, 2014 11:30 pm

Toppie4x4 · Post by **Toppie4x4** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 2:36 am

Luckily it’s a quickie otherwise it would have been hard boiled eggs.

Donkey · Post by **Donkey** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 3:03 am

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 6:16 am

Skroppie · Post by **Skroppie** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 9:06 am

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked,
"The dreaded seven-engine approach."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take-off."

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 11:49 am

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 11:50 am

Post by **Baasvark** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 1:40 pm

Toppie4x4 · Post by **Toppie4x4** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 4:16 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 5:27 pm

A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his privates... something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much?"

"Because," she replied, "I really miss mine..."

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 5:33 pm

ChrisF · Post by **ChrisF** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 5:45 pm

Toppie4x4 wrote:Luckily it’s a quickie otherwise it would have been hard boiled eggs.

hy klink so gretig soos n ou getroude man ... dink daai eiers is dalk nog loperig .....

Post by **Haboob** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 7:03 pm

I have just laughed my tear ducts dry on the airports thread...

Froll · Post by **Froll** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 7:19 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 7:47 pm

Post by **Mud Dog** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 7:50 pm

A woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Bhala! All he wants is an@l $ex and my ar$ehole is now the size of a 50c piece, when it used to be the size of a 1c piece".

Her mother says, " Padma, you're married to a multi-millionaire, you live in an eight bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get a R7,000 monthly allowance, you take six holidays a year, and you're willing to throw it all away for 49 cents! "

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 7:52 pm

Thunder02 · Post by **Thunder02** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:00 pm

On top form tonight Andy

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 9:03 pm

WTH

4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 1:09 am

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Skroppie · Post by **Skroppie** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 7:51 am

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him over the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!'

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 8:27 am

Hehe!

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 9:13 am

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 9:48 am

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 9:49 am

ForYota · Post by **ForYota** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 10:42 am

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 10:59 am

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4 runner oldie · Post by **4 runner oldie** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 11:02 am

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Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 11:40 am

Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark.

Post by **Mud Dog** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 1:48 pm

The Amazing Scotsman

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss “Bruce The Amazing Scotsman”'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss “Bruce The Amazing Scotsman”.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 3:27 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 3:52 pm

Saw this on Gumtree

Old Land Rover 4x4 Forward Control , was running 5 years ago ,need some work , tyres in good condision , used as game viewer ,

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 3:57 pm

Ons het met daai k-k in die seiners gewerk, hy loop net 60 en gee 2km/l hy was swaarder as n Bedford trok op petrol.

Wat soek hulle, R10 per meter?

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 4:00 pm

R15 000-00

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 4:45 pm

Mylux · Post by **Mylux** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 5:31 pm

Oh so true

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 5:32 pm

JJBotes · Post by **JJBotes** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 7:44 pm

jip . so true

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 7:57 pm

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Froll · Post by **Froll** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 8:07 pm

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Wed Mar 19, 2014 8:40 pm

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Thu Mar 20, 2014 5:54 am

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ...."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy."Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you knowit was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock

grobbepj · Post by **grobbepj** » Thu Mar 20, 2014 6:44 am

Cant fault the logic!!

Skroppie · Post by **Skroppie** » Thu Mar 20, 2014 9:14 am

Die polisie klop laatnag aan Koos se deur en wys hom n foto van sy vrou. " Is dit jou vrou Meneer " ?
Geskok antwoord Koos " Ja "
Waarop die polisie se. " Ons is jammer maar dit lyk of n bus haar getref het."
" Ek weet. " sê Koos , " maar sy het n baie mooi persoonlikheid."

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

4x4BEES · Post by **4x4BEES** » Thu Mar 20, 2014 9:41 am

Samurai · Post by **Samurai** » Thu Mar 20, 2014 11:35 am

Satan visits Cape Town and meets Gatiep.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Nay", says Gatiep, "giemy a hint"
Satan says, "I am the prince of darkness"
"F @ k" says Gatiep, "jhy's mos die CEO van Eskom

Hoppy · Post by **Hoppy** » Thu Mar 20, 2014 11:56 am

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