Oh so punny

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Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

  1. What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire
  2. Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'
  3. The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago
  4. The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize
  5. The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar
  6. Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside
  7. When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder
  8. The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out
  9. The dead batteries were given out free of charge
  10. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers
  11. The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands
  12. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy
  13. The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum
  14. I didn't want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede
  15. Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery
  16. She's happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams
  17. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents
  18. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie
  19. He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed
  20. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper
  21. It's better to love a short girl than not a tall
  22. The book of incantations was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check
  23. Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder
  24. I'm inclined to be laid back
  25. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Hilux 1 »

bloody skerp
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by OOOOMS »

:thumbup: :thumbup:
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Hoppy »

Waar kry hy tyd om alles uit te dink?
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

Hoppy wrote:Waar kry hy tyd om alles uit te dink?
Ag ek wens ek kon se dit was ek wat daai uit gedink het... maar in die geval is ek nuusdraer
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Mud Dog »

Some really good ones in there Cassie! :thumbup:
When your road comes to an end ...... you need a HILUX!.

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Re: Oh so punny

Post by jacques kotze »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbup:
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by krazy_kameleon »

now I know where you get your inspiration for all your chirps... :laugh2:
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

  1. When I questioned the livestock delivery company as to whether or not they could quickly move some donkeys. They said they could haul ass.
  2. When making butter there is little margarine for error
  3. Becoming a yoga instructor offers the possibilities of a unique teaching position
  4. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
  5. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine
  6. John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind
  7. A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no
  8. I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania
  9. I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me
  10. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils
  11. I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me
  12. Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers
  13. Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself
  14. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired
  15. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now
  16. When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'
  17. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor
  18. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest
  19. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends
  20. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it
  21. I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words
  22. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'
  23. I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time
  24. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me
  25. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it
  26. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now
  27. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down
  28. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me
  29. I work in a sweater factory. It's a very clothes-knit community
  30. I saw a guy pick pocket a midget today. How could someone stoop so low?
  31. So I got a haircut today. At first I didn't know if I liked it, but it's growing on me
  32. I'm gonna open a pet store specializing in marine animal called "for all intents and porpoises"
  33. This big cat told me he was a tiger, but he could have been lion
  34. If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient
  35. I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched
  36. If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt
  37. If you dream in vivid colors, is that a pigment of your imagination?
  38. I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego
  39. I have a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel
  40. I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out
  41. What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants
  42. Compare a prisoner in shackles to one unshackled. It's the difference of a pinion
  43. A princess gets her education one knight at a time
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Mud Dog »

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Melbourne Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
When your road comes to an end ...... you need a HILUX!.

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Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers ... what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

  1. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis
  2. For plumbers, a flush beats a full house
  3. In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes
  4. Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive
  5. If you are among the cream of dairy inspectors, nothing cheesy gets pasteurize
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by ThysdJ »

pastuerize!! :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

  1. For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage
  2. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered
  3. Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners
  4. Bugs have very diverse religious views, because they are all insects
  5. The chickens were distraught when the tornado destroyed their home. Hopefully they will be able to recoup
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
  • Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

  • I tried wrapping Christmas presents, but I didn't have the gift
  • England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
  • In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

  • 5000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area
  • As the shoe said to the hat, 'You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot'
  • I've failed the mathematics test so many times I lost count
  • The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card
  • Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under
  • I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose
  • The cowboy that got fired from his ranch job wasn't crazy, he was just deranged
  • In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants
  • Rabbits like their beer brewed with a lot of hops
  • Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can't croak
  • An electrician is a bright spark who knows what's watt
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Mud Dog »

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Good ones! :thumbup:

Like these .....

# Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under
# In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants

:D:
When your road comes to an end ...... you need a HILUX!.

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Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers ... what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Don't take life too seriously ..... no-one gets out alive.
It's not about waiting for storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
And be yourself ..... everyone else is taken!
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

  • The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line
  • I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis
  • Benny was sure that if he had to he could master braille once he got a feel for it
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Mud Dog »

Margaret realised her future would be a slippery slope when she married an Oriental con-man.
When your road comes to an end ...... you need a HILUX!.

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Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers ... what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Don't take life too seriously ..... no-one gets out alive.
It's not about waiting for storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
And be yourself ..... everyone else is taken!
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

  • The Buddhist refused pain-killers during the root canal because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
  • Tennis players don't marry because Love means Nothing to them
  • If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence
  • I hate the price of candy at the movie theatre. They're always raisinette
  • When the shocked IRS agent was found guilty of tax evasion he had to take time to collect himself
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

  • An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either
  • A bacteria walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'We don't serve bacteria.' The bacteria said, 'But I work here, I'm staph.'
  • He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person
  • Old colanders never die, they just can't take the strain anymore
  • I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
  • I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours
  • The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached
  • They tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein
  • Once you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall
  • Seven days without a pun makes one weak
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

  • She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off
  • Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas
  • Oh, and also, don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers
  • Girls want to talk about their needs in the bedroom but I'd rather talk about their kneads in the kitchen
  • Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground
  • I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food
  • Math teachers have lots of problems
  • The proctologist reassured the patient that his condition could be rectified
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Mud Dog »

The proctologist reassured the patient that his condition could be rectified
:laugh2: :laugh2:
When your road comes to an end ...... you need a HILUX!.

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Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers ... what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Don't take life too seriously ..... no-one gets out alive.
It's not about waiting for storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
And be yourself ..... everyone else is taken!
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

  • I once thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realized that I was getting a head of myself
  • My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep. I knew I was destined for osteology. I could feel it in my bones
  • I used to be a banker but I lost interest
  • He wears glasses during math because it improves divison
  • It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it
  • When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted
  • The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids
  • Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed
  • I think my memory foam mattress has Alzheimer's
  • I fracking hate paying for gas
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Mud Dog »

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
When your road comes to an end ...... you need a HILUX!.

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Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers ... what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Don't take life too seriously ..... no-one gets out alive.
It's not about waiting for storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
And be yourself ..... everyone else is taken!
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Mud Dog »

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
When your road comes to an end ...... you need a HILUX!.

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Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers ... what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Don't take life too seriously ..... no-one gets out alive.
It's not about waiting for storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
And be yourself ..... everyone else is taken!
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by KOBUSL »

Dis nou 'n paar minute BAIE goed gespandeer .

Dankie Andy
Word te vinnig oud en te stadig wys.
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

  • Marriage is the mourning after the knot before
  • Miracle of the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw
  • I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class
  • I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket
  • I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
  • I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
  • My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant
  • My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter
  • I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it
  • I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego
  • My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time
  • Office door of NASA executive: 'Out to Launch.
  • People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses
  • Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
  • Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot
  • Some people are wise, and some, otherwise
  • Speaking ill of the dead is a grave mistake
  • Twin monks who rang church bells died. They were dead ringers
  • Did you hear about the guy that got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink
  • A new batter joined the baseball team, and he was a real hit
  • A glide-path is a soar spot
To God be the glory
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MOFASA
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by MOFASA »

Cas you gotta have a book or something there............
Or is it copy and past from the net????

Dam good ones though.......
:thumbup:
Live Life in the FAST lane....
Forget the past, Embrace the FUTURE!!!!
To 4x4 or not to 4x4 thats the question....
IT'S A JEEP :yahoo: ..... You wouldn't understand....
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jacques kotze
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by jacques kotze »

:lol: :lol: :thumbup:
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CasKru
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

Some new ones and some old ones

• Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
• Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
• When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
• She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• Every calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
• A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
• Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.
To God be the glory
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Hoppy
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Hoppy »

Off topic; dit laat my dink nou n ou grappie;

Hoe loop n duisendpoot met n houtbeen?

999 tik 999 tik 999 tik 999 tik.....
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aev@iburst.co.za
The trouble with trouble is...it always starts as fun.
The most precious jewels you will ever wear around your neck is the arms of your children...
" I WOULD RATHER SIT ON THE TAILGATE OF MY HILUX WITH A BEER AND A CHOP, WATCHING A FIRE, THAN DINE IN THE BEST RESTAURANT IN TOWN "
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CasKru
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

Hoppy wrote:Off topic; dit laat my dink nou n ou grappie;

Hoe loop n duisendpoot met n houtbeen?

999 tik 999 tik 999 tik 999 tik.....
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
To God be the glory
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Froll
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Froll »

:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :thumbup:
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Baasvark
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Baasvark »

Is life worth living? It depends on the liver....

Hey Cas, looks like you're pushing for 40 000... :razz:
Aint it ironic that "Common Sense" aint so common after all...
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Mud Dog »

This thread is punographic.
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
In the USA, why were the Indians there first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
When your road comes to an end ...... you need a HILUX!.

Image
Image

Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers ... what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Don't take life too seriously ..... no-one gets out alive.
It's not about waiting for storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
And be yourself ..... everyone else is taken!
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Froll
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Froll »

:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
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CasKru
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

Image
Image
Image
Image
To God be the glory
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Mud Dog
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Real Name: Andy
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Mud Dog »

tripping.jpg
(57.56 KiB) Downloaded 345 times
When your road comes to an end ...... you need a HILUX!.

Image
Image

Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers ... what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Don't take life too seriously ..... no-one gets out alive.
It's not about waiting for storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
And be yourself ..... everyone else is taken!
User avatar
Froll
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Froll »

:lmao: :lmao:
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4x4BEES
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by 4x4BEES »

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
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Real Name: Andy
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Mud Dog »

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial rates,
And blamed it on the cost of living.
When your road comes to an end ...... you need a HILUX!.

Image
Image

Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers ... what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Don't take life too seriously ..... no-one gets out alive.
It's not about waiting for storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
And be yourself ..... everyone else is taken!
User avatar
CasKru
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Location: Rynfield

Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

A steak pun is a rare medium well done
To God be the glory
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CasKru
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

Image Link Broken
To God be the glory
User avatar
CasKru
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

Image Link Broken
Image Link Broken
To God be the glory
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4x4BEES
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by 4x4BEES »

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
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Mud Dog
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Real Name: Andy
Club VHF Licence: HC103

Re: Oh so punny

Post by Mud Dog »

hehehe! :D:
When your road comes to an end ...... you need a HILUX!.

Image
Image

Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers ... what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Don't take life too seriously ..... no-one gets out alive.
It's not about waiting for storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
And be yourself ..... everyone else is taken!
User avatar
CasKru
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Location: Rynfield

Re: Oh so punny

Post by CasKru »

mite.png
mite.png (47.16 KiB) Viewed 11996 times
To God be the glory
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4x4BEES
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by 4x4BEES »

:slap: :lmao: :lmao:
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Mud Dog
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Real Name: Andy
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Mud Dog »

_ _ Punny.jpg
_ _ Punny.jpg (23.35 KiB) Viewed 11758 times
When your road comes to an end ...... you need a HILUX!.

Image
Image

Life is like a jar of Jalapeño peppers ... what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Don't take life too seriously ..... no-one gets out alive.
It's not about waiting for storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
And be yourself ..... everyone else is taken!
User avatar
Thunder02
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Location: 4x4 Direct Boksburg
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Re: Oh so punny

Post by Thunder02 »

Life depends on the Liver.
Not all those who wander are lost!

Scout motto:be prepared....
www.4x4direct.co.za
Email: boksburg@4x4direct.co.za
IFS is like a swambo, soft, sexy and expensive!
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